S T ☆ R D O M

To never be loved back is a miserable feeling...

I always have this strange feeling that no one ever really loves me. I know they love me, but I feel like there is another me they do not realize. I feel like they ignore that part of me and pretend it is not there. Maybe I am wrong. However, I know I am right because know one knows that me. I have never told anyone about that part of me. I have not even really told myself.

I have this vision of dying completely alone with no one and nothing and it terrifies me. I'm this old man with no family, no friends, and no fame. I wonder if this is what I want. If I want to be this artist with no insurance on what my outcome may be. But I cannot imagine my life without it. I have no idea what I would be or what I would do.

So how much do I sacrifice before I have given up on everything? How many opportunities do I pass up because I want to be famous? I do not know. None of them maybe.

I just have this picture burned into my brain of what I see myself to be...and it is still quite foggy at the moment. I love so many things, but have no idea whether they love me back. A good friend always tells me "What do you when you want something? You go get it."

You must kill for the things you want. You must fail to succeed. You must never fear if they do not love you back. I must.

xoxo, a! fAB!

I N S P I R A T I O N S

I came to the conclusion today that our parents played a very minor role in the musical of our generation. The thing that had the most impact in our growth as human beings was the Internet. The Internet is the parent of millions of teenagers across the plant. We tell it our deepest and darkest secrets, and we share our happiest moments for the world to see.

The Internet allows us to become whoever we aspire to be like, from great leaders to drug dealers. We can duplicate any beings life with the use of a keyboard. We can all be famous for fifteen seconds.

I blame the Internet for everything I know. If I wanted to know something, it told me without hesitation. I blame the internet for my obsession with fame. My obsession for wanting every person on the planet to be screaming my name. The Internet can make any one famous for absolutely nothing. It is quite maddening when you think about it.

When people ask me what I will be famous for, I just simple say, "Nothing". I will be famous for being myself... whatever that maybe. I try to live life as a moving piece of art; never staying the same. I surround myself with photos and newspaper clippings and words of what I aspire to be. Things that I want to be. I lie to myself and say I am all of those thing on my wall in great, honest faith that I will be. I want every person on the street to see me walk by and say "Who the fuck is that and who does he think he is?"

The other day, I morbidly asked myself, "What if you never make it?" and "What if it never works out?" I never thought about what if I never made it big. I said, "I will kill until the day I die. I will kill for my dream until God takes me away." I must. I must. I must.

I must take on that fate and carry the burden and its greatness without ever seeking reward. I take the chance of never having anything. Still, I do not cry for what the future holds for tomorrow has not happened. My dream is boundless. Besides, it is the only thing I have keeping me alive.

xxx Andrew Fabulous