S P ☆ T L I G H T

I have this on-going relationship with the stage. We will hook up every once in a while and then we will break up and reluctantly get back together. Our love is forever. I cannot live my life without HIM.

I have said it before, but I see no separation from what is only appropriate for a stage and what is only appropriate in 'real life'. Lately, I've been asked what my hair looks like when it's not done. I cannot help but laugh. What I see as only hair, you see as, I assume, as an iconic piece of myself. This thought makes me think if many of you wonder what it is I look like when I do not 'dress up' when I am out. If you asked me that, I would say there is no difference. My look does not change whether I am going out to a fancy event or if I am simply going to Circle K. This is just who I am.

Somedays, though, I wish I was simply invisible to the world around me. I imagine what it would feel like if I could go the whole day without one person starring, one person making judgment, one day without feeling like a giant spotlight is following me around. I find it impossible though. As soon as I try to change myself to 'fit in' with the popular, my hair becomes blonder. When you try to 'fix' me, I only become more fabulous.

Maybe I am over reacting. Maybe I am.

Why do I assume everyone cares about me? Why do I think people live their lives watching my every move? What is it that makes me so damn important that people actually care? All I can say is nothing. Nothing about me is particularly special or even original. It all comes back to this statement. My one sentence philosophy on how I will my life until the day I die. I am living a giant lie in the pursuit that one day it will be a universal truth. I am celeb.

I started calling myself Andrew Fabulous only three years ago. It was kind of a mean joke I think, but I took it and ran with it. I am not Andrew Fabulous.

Andrew Fabulous has been a slow creation, a monster in most ways, but a person nonetheless. Andrew Fabulous is not be confused with a persona or a 'put-on' personality. HE is what I want to be. HE is what I strive to become. HE has every quality I want, but do not possess. HE is the lie that I kill for. Andrew Fabulous is a hero, an artist, a true star...a divine being.

I get quite scared when people call me Andrew Fabulous. I react as if I almost do not believe them... only because I do not. I remember the first time a teacher had called me Andrew Fabulous. I had wrote about him in my senior synthesis paper. This was not the first time I had wrote about the infamous being, but I suppose no one else had believed in him either.

I had walked into class as usual and sat down. I never talked to anyone, even after four years, and everything seemed quite normal. I do not remember what he had exactly said to me, but my teacher had my classes full attention and, out of nowhere, he called me by the name I only wished people would call me. I was embarrassed.

I was not ashamed like when a teacher calls you out for sleeping in class. I was humiliated because I did not believe in myself. I had not honored that work that I had put into being this person. I did not trust myself.

I am still trying to find what it means to believe in oneself. It is not something easily accomplished. Especially when you look back upon your life and see how many people did not believe in you. Despite the past, I found hope in the letters to a young poet from Rainer Maria Rilke, Rilke tells the young poet to not look towards outside sources for validation of his works for if what he creates.

"A work of art is good if it has arisen from necessity. Its origin determines how it is judged. There is no other form of judgement."

So I have put it upon myself to carry this burden of being an artist... of having a giant spotlight on me everywhere I go. I must ask myself many times throughout my days, "Must I be an artist?" I must take the risk of being ridiculed in order to stay true to myself and my art. I must make choices that will not always make me happy, but that will make me a better artist. In pursuit to becoming Andrew Fabulous.

I choose to live in this closet filled with my monster personal and inspiring objects. I have surrounded myself with culture. I sleep every night with my fashion magazines, my creepers, my newspaper clippings, my books, my colognes, my candles, my dead flowers, my music, my paintings, my clothes, my bible, my pills. I breathe it and make it a part of me. It sometimes makes me very happy and other times, it drives me to the point of insanity and suicide. + yet, I would not want to live any other way. This is my virtue.

"I must be free. I must be me. In no promise of fame or parties. In no certainty of an effigy. I will die like I lived in the glare of publicity." - Andrew Fabulous 10/18/2011

LOVE + ART

Andrew Fabulous

THE ANTI-DIAMOND

Andrew Fabulous

S T ☆ R D O M

To never be loved back is a miserable feeling...

I always have this strange feeling that no one ever really loves me. I know they love me, but I feel like there is another me they do not realize. I feel like they ignore that part of me and pretend it is not there. Maybe I am wrong. However, I know I am right because know one knows that me. I have never told anyone about that part of me. I have not even really told myself.

I have this vision of dying completely alone with no one and nothing and it terrifies me. I'm this old man with no family, no friends, and no fame. I wonder if this is what I want. If I want to be this artist with no insurance on what my outcome may be. But I cannot imagine my life without it. I have no idea what I would be or what I would do.

So how much do I sacrifice before I have given up on everything? How many opportunities do I pass up because I want to be famous? I do not know. None of them maybe.

I just have this picture burned into my brain of what I see myself to be...and it is still quite foggy at the moment. I love so many things, but have no idea whether they love me back. A good friend always tells me "What do you when you want something? You go get it."

You must kill for the things you want. You must fail to succeed. You must never fear if they do not love you back. I must.

xoxo, a! fAB!

D I N N E R T H E A T R E

Over past four years, people have told me how they have conversations about me at the dinner table. Does not matter if they are close friends or acquaintances, my hair, look, or even my fur coat seems to pop up. I find it quite strange. I find it most strange when it is people who know very little about me other than my name. I just always think, "Was there nothing better on TV that you talked about how blonde my hair is?" The thought of a dinner conversation about me terrifies me. However, I am always very flattered. Well, more electrified. The feeling is quite similar to the one of fame. It was if a picture of me was posted on a terrible gossip blog with the title "Andrew Fabulous wear fur coat in 80⋅ weather". It makes me think that maybe I am on to something. Yet, I do what I do in no search for attention or fame really. Before writing this, I asked myself why I do it... I must. It is something that just comes naturally to me. My hair is natural (- purple shampoo) and my style composed of thoughts that come to me in the shower. I just do it. Well, I do ask myself one thing every morning before I get dressed. It is quite morbid. I ask, "If I were to die today, what would I want to die wearing?" I certainly do not want to die in a pair of basketball shorts and a pair of flip flops. I want to look my best. It is not an idea born from vanity. It is simply the idea composed of the thought, "I want to be happy". I am only happy when I am being myself. To end, I do not listen or read what they say about me. I only measure it in inches. I can only imagine the potential I withhold when I think of the power my visual projection has on the people around me. Something I see to be so miniscule and unimportant, others make dinner conversations over. Food for thought...♡

☆ Andrew Fabulous ☆

D R E A M S

Since the beginning of the month, I have been writing down my dreams in a journal to remember and analyze them later. Yesterday, I went through the past five nights of dreams.

Although they were all different stories, they all carried the same message. They told me that I had to overcome obstacles to get where I am, but I have to move on from where I am at. My feelings right now are self destructive and I am depressed. I must put these feelings to bed. I must get rid of the old and make room for the new. I am ready to move forward.

Since I was very young, I have had always had this dream to go to New York City. I wanted to be on broadway. I wanted to be a big star. But, as I grow older, it seems that dream has been put in a box to collect dust on the top shelf of a forgotten closet. I'm positive that dreams are not meant to be forgotten.

I am done with putting my dreams aside for the something that someone else wants for me and that I have no interest in. I want to move on, but everything here is holding me back.

I want to be the starving artist living in the 4by4 in the middle of New York City. I would be so happy. I'd rather have nothing + New York City than have everything + stuck. I want to have boundless freedom. I want to hustle the New York scene and live life like Andy Warhol. I am buying a one way ticket and I am never looking back. My dream is the only thing keeping me alive, so I must keep my dream alive. I must. For I would rather die without New York City and my art. #DreamsCanComeTrue

xoxo, a! fAB!

D E A T H

Life is a precious gift. It's one of those things where you do not know have until it is gone. I dream about life and death. They go hand-in-hand. It almost rude if you talk about one and not the other. You know what I mean? If I told you I romanticize death, you would call me suicidal. Maybe I am. Or maybe I'm just not afraid to die. Well, I'm terrified of dying. My greatest fear is dying before I've done everything I have needed to. It's not a list composed of small things like 'travel the world'. It's made of things much deeper and personal. Things I would kill me if I ever told anyone. I do not want to die a mystery. I jokingly tell my friends how one day I want to drown in the middle of the big, blue ocean wearing Alexander McQueen... something that will never happen. I just feel trapped by my own devices. It is as if I am losing my at my own game of L I F E. Is it possible to lose at a game where you make all the rules? Andy Warhol once said that dying was the most embarrassing thing that could happen to a person. He is right. I like to thing what people will say about me when I die. Would people say things like "He had the world at his finger tips" and "He was a true artist" or would they say I was just a dumb-ass for ever thinking I could a star. I would hope they do not think anything of me. Just a figment of imagination in their wildest of dreams. xxx Monsieur Fabuleuse

F A N T A S Y

I am an artist constantly caught between two worlds. Half of me resides in reality and the other in fantasy. When I think about it, I have no real reason as to why. Is it because my reality is just too unbearable or is it that I want relieve people of their harsh realities? I wear a fur coat when it is barely even seventy-five degrees outside. Such an act is completely inappropriate and ludicrous.

Everyday when I leave my room, I have two goals for myself. They are simple.

1. I must make every stranger I pass say "I don't know who that is, but I want to know."
2. I must inspire at least one person to be themselves. I want them to feel okay to be who they are.

I do not do the things I do to seek attention. I do not wear the things I wear to be admired. I do everything because it is the true, honest me. It is probably the most honest thing about me. It is somehow so real that is to perceived to be fake and a persona. How do I convince you that the fantasy is just the reality?

My father once called me fake. It was in the car on the way to school my sophomore year of high school. I think it has been permanently inked on my forehead ever since. I even sometimes believe it, but when I go to sleep at night with nothing and nobody around, I know who I am. At the end of the day, I am just an insecure human-being that is trying to learn everything he can about himself for the whole world to see. A free show.

I think it scares people, the fact that I leave my house looking the way I do; the way I leave my house in shorts that cover the bar minimal. It scares me. Yet, I would die if I were to go out looking like everyone around me. My reality is my fantasy. It is my identity. Fantasy runs through my veins. It is my job to further push the lines of what is norm and what is "weird". I must.

✖ ANDREW FABULOUS ✖

A D D I C T I O N S

We do certain things in life because they make us feel good. A person may only eat one kind of cereal in the morning for their entire life just because it makes them happy. Some people need drugs, some need sex, or even television. I need fame. I am addicted to fame.

I get off on the slightest second of fame. If I can grab someone's attention, negative or positive, just for a second, then I have won. I have succeeded in making my dreams come true. I believe I am famous every second of everyday, but when I can make someone else believe that I am truly famous, that is when I confirm my celebrity.

In medicine, it has been quoted that you must take certain precautions to unsure you get better. You take the necessary steps to unsure your aspired outcome. If I want to ensure that I wake up in the middle of my sleep from a horrific nightmare, I must take the necessary precautions.

My nightmares are not necessarily scary, but they express everything I suppress in my waking world. Some dreams are reoccurring and other are not. At 12:39AM on October 1st, I wrote to myself,

Consumed by my own desires/ I will set myself on fire/ If I leave the world in flames/ Then I will not be a liar/

I take the meaning of my dreams and use it to reinvent myself each day. I put on the dreams as a real life experience to further my career. Even my nightmares cannot scare me from reaching my goal... I must.

xoxo, THE ANTI-DIAMONDS

aka A N D R E W F A B U L O U S

I N S P I R A T I O N S

I came to the conclusion today that our parents played a very minor role in the musical of our generation. The thing that had the most impact in our growth as human beings was the Internet. The Internet is the parent of millions of teenagers across the plant. We tell it our deepest and darkest secrets, and we share our happiest moments for the world to see.

The Internet allows us to become whoever we aspire to be like, from great leaders to drug dealers. We can duplicate any beings life with the use of a keyboard. We can all be famous for fifteen seconds.

I blame the Internet for everything I know. If I wanted to know something, it told me without hesitation. I blame the internet for my obsession with fame. My obsession for wanting every person on the planet to be screaming my name. The Internet can make any one famous for absolutely nothing. It is quite maddening when you think about it.

When people ask me what I will be famous for, I just simple say, "Nothing". I will be famous for being myself... whatever that maybe. I try to live life as a moving piece of art; never staying the same. I surround myself with photos and newspaper clippings and words of what I aspire to be. Things that I want to be. I lie to myself and say I am all of those thing on my wall in great, honest faith that I will be. I want every person on the street to see me walk by and say "Who the fuck is that and who does he think he is?"

The other day, I morbidly asked myself, "What if you never make it?" and "What if it never works out?" I never thought about what if I never made it big. I said, "I will kill until the day I die. I will kill for my dream until God takes me away." I must. I must. I must.

I must take on that fate and carry the burden and its greatness without ever seeking reward. I take the chance of never having anything. Still, I do not cry for what the future holds for tomorrow has not happened. My dream is boundless. Besides, it is the only thing I have keeping me alive.

xxx Andrew Fabulous

M Y L I F E I N D I A M O N D S

Hello... My name is Andrew Fabulous. Life is a funny mystery. When I was young, I never understood what people meant when they would say, "Everyone has a purpose in life". Now, I know what they mean. I know my purpose.

I am going to change the world. I am going to change the world. I am. I am going to save the world. I must.

So simple. I must.

I must be this person. I must be outlandish. I am inappropriate without trying. I would die if I was withheld the right to be anyone but me. I belong to world. I am married to each person I meet. I give you my everything whether you seek it or not.

This passion burns inside of me. It consumes me every minute of every day. I feel like I am on fire most of the time. One day, my ambitions...my desires will kill me. They will burn me alive.

What I tell you is not a lie. I am not a lie. Andrew Fabulous is not a persona. I am not a fake. This is my identity. I have always been this way. I am just a rock star.

Prepare yourselves. Tell the world. I am coming. I will conquer the world. I will not be happy until I am as famous as God. Call me Mr. God.

xoxo, Andrew Fabulous