S E X U A L I T Y

Someone asked me to answer the following question . . .

How would you describe your sexual identity and orientation?

Well, firstly, the asked if they could answer a 'stupid' question. Whenever someone says this, I instantly know it's about sexuality. I do not understand why sexuality is a stupid question. I think it is something that should shared openly + not be 'stupid'. I think it's important that sexuality becomes a comfortable topic, so I wanted to share my thoughts.

This is my direct answer (copied + pasted) . . .

i ask myself this question everyday and i never know the answer...it's very complicated.

i believe my sexual identity has no preference. my mom will ask who im trying to attract when i leave the house. i always say no one.

i think it scares a lot of people when they see platinum blonde boy wearing an oversized iron maiden tshirt + a septum to nose piercing while holding a birkin bag in 3 inch creepers. it's very off-putting. it's not widely accepted as "attractive" to gay men , straight women, or anyone.

i dont think it's gay or straight or bisexual or transexual. i believe it can be equally attractive to everyone. it's my 100% honest self.

sexual orientation ... (the hardest question to answer)

G E N E R A L L Y :::

Simply, I do not refer to myself as gay...I dont refer myself as any sexual orientation. My soon to be ex-friend calls me her gay boyfriend, and I do not like it. I'm not a pet or a special case, I'm just your friend. I'm just a person. It makes me feel less than human.

I think everybody should do what they want. I think everybody should like/love whom they like. I disapprove of how wrong it is for a man to sexually attracted to another man. I dont think it's gay, I think it's human. Of course, I dont think all men are/or should be attracted to men, but I think there should be less negative connotations toward this idea.

P E R S O N A L L Y :::

I hate titles, so I created my own (Andrew Fabulous).

I let people assume my sexual orientation. I let people assume everything about me. I prefer to remain a mystery. I prefer live in solitude.

I dont have any sex...ever+at all,,, i havent. I believe it would destroy the fantasy + the mystery that I have created...or my reality. I am attracted to women (one in my life especially) but I am more attracted to men.

It's a very vulnerable experience + I do not think I posses the confidence yet to be faced with it.

I am a never ending performance art piece. I am affected by everything that happens to me.

I believe fantasy love...love on the screen + in the movies, is much more exciting than love between the sheets...reality love.

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L O V E + A R T , passion + desire,

xoxo, a! fAB!

L ♡ V E

I frequently interchange love with obsessed. Rather being in love with someone or something, I obsess over it. When I love a record, I play it until it dies. I will fantasize about it all day and I will think about it until the moment I fall asleep. I listen to it until I am driven to the point of insanity. And then, I am simply over it and I rarely ever listen to it again.

I suppose I treat people like records. I obsess over the fantasy of love. Fantasy love is much better than reality love. Never doing it is very exciting. So I play the fantasy in my mind like records... I repeat them over and over again until I feel I have gotten bored with the idea and I move on. It's quite vain to be honest.

A friend asked me today if I liked a significant other because I honestly liked them or I liked the challenge. I had never thought about it. I suppose I do enjoy the challenge. The challenge of making a person fall in love with you. Or the challenge of making someone realize how much they to you.

However, I never do much to turn my dreams into a reality. I will get so close to the top of mountain and then I run all the back down the way I came. So...I guess it is only my fault that I am left alone with my thoughts and furs. Yet, I am never disappointed by never getting the girl...or the boy in the end. I chose to be alone. It makes me happy.

I want to die alone. It may seem morbid to most, but I do not see being alone as a burden. I feel like I have so much to learn from myself and about myself. It is my occupation to dwell in the sickest parts of my brain so that I can understand myself more clearly. So that I can be happy without the shit, without the lies.

After writing all of this, a part of me believes I only say this to hide my honest feelings. I suppose it is. At the same time though, I believe these thoughts of fantasy to be true about myself. Sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages than between the sheets. But, maybe it would not hurt to listen to one record for the rest of my life... Except, everyone ends up kissing the wrong person good night.

xXxO, a! fAB!

S T ☆ R D O M

To never be loved back is a miserable feeling...

I always have this strange feeling that no one ever really loves me. I know they love me, but I feel like there is another me they do not realize. I feel like they ignore that part of me and pretend it is not there. Maybe I am wrong. However, I know I am right because know one knows that me. I have never told anyone about that part of me. I have not even really told myself.

I have this vision of dying completely alone with no one and nothing and it terrifies me. I'm this old man with no family, no friends, and no fame. I wonder if this is what I want. If I want to be this artist with no insurance on what my outcome may be. But I cannot imagine my life without it. I have no idea what I would be or what I would do.

So how much do I sacrifice before I have given up on everything? How many opportunities do I pass up because I want to be famous? I do not know. None of them maybe.

I just have this picture burned into my brain of what I see myself to be...and it is still quite foggy at the moment. I love so many things, but have no idea whether they love me back. A good friend always tells me "What do you when you want something? You go get it."

You must kill for the things you want. You must fail to succeed. You must never fear if they do not love you back. I must.

xoxo, a! fAB!